Reflections On a Kiss
by timeiscontagious
Summary: My life is ash. And that kiss was the flame.
1. Chapter 1

He kissed her.

I knew it would come to this.

He has always wanted what I had. Even when we were children. Why would I expect that to end now? To end with her?

For decades he has tortured me, followed me and tore holes in my life so that I would always be as miserable as he was. And now he's taking away what I value most. He's claiming her as his own.

I expect this from him. I'm not surprised by his actions.

But her.

But her…with all of her declarations of love, she still couldn't find it in her heart to resist him. Couldn't she have thought of me? Couldn't she have at least thought about what she was going to ruin?

My life is ash.

And that kiss was the flame.


	2. Chapter 2

I kissed her.

I kissed her. And she kissed me back.

She didn't turn and run. She didn't slap me. She didn't push me away.

She embraced it. She leaned into it. She returned it. And all I can say is…

Hot damn.

Contrary to Stefan's beliefs, I didn't do it just to piss him off, although admittedly that was a tiny part of the reason. A tiny part. I did it because I wanted her. Because I couldn't help myself. And I will move heaven and hell to have her. Why should my brother have all the best things in life? Don't I deserve a little?

I wish I could say I felt bad. Wait, no, I don't. I don't even feel an ounce of guilt. I went home elated. And feeling a tiny bit smug. The girl he always thought was above me doesn't seem so high and mighty now, does she? This just goes to show that she doesn't mind sinking down to my level.

All I can say is that I knew it. I knew it would come to this eventually.

I kissed her.

And she kissed me back.


	3. Chapter 3

It wasn't Elena.

The relief pours over me.

It wasn't her.

The relief is short-lived.

It was Katherine.

Where do we go from here?

She has a plan. She always has a plan. The problem is figuring out what that plan entails. She succumbs to her baser instincts. She follows her every whim. There is no controlling her. There is no way of knowing how far she'll go to get whatever it is she wants.

And what of Damon? I have no idea what his next move will be. In that regard, he and Katherine are exactly alike.

She'll tear us apart. She's done it before.

What will we do then?


	4. Chapter 4

She tricked me.

The bitch.

Here I am, caught with my dick in my hands like I'm some angst-ridden, pimply teenager.

How was I supposed to know she'd come back? I assumed she was off gallivanting in some exotic location with a billionaire she compelled. But no. Instead she's pretending to be someone who made me appear like a fucking love struck dumbass.

Back to the topic at hand.

She's back.

But why? And for how long?

Even though she's ten pounds of crazy bitch in a five pound bag, even though she ripped me apart, even though everything she touches turns to shit, I still can't help but hold out hope.

Maybe she came back for me.


	5. Chapter 5

She came back for me.

She shouldn't have wasted the trip.

I am not Damon. I am not about to fall at her feet. I am not going to come running every time she snaps her fingers. I have no feelings for her except hatred. And if she thinks her little mind games…

It was a lie. All those years I spent loving her were a lie. I didn't love her. She made me love her. She compelled me into thinking…

Yes, admittedly at first I did have feelings for her. Before I knew what she was, before when I thought she was just a sweet girl who lost her parents, I did love her.

I did.

I thought she was the best and most beautiful woman I had ever met. So there was love.

But it stopped being love once she forced me into it.

Right?

Right…


	6. Chapter 6

She came back for him.

Stefan.

Son of a bitch.

So here it is. The center of this little maze we have been running in since day one.

She loved _him_. She _loves _him.

I was just a toy. A distraction. Spare parts if you will. I was there when he wasn't available.

I wish I had known this before I spent a hundred and forty-five fucking years waiting for her, yearning for her, plotting and scheming, and missing her. But that's life I guess. Just when you think you're finally chasing after everything you've ever wanted, it somehow kicks you in the balls.

Isn't that funny? Isn't that just fucking hilarious?

She wants Stefan.

Everyone seems to want Stefan these days. He's in high demand.

She didn't come back for me.

She came back for him.

And the weight of those words…

Crush me.


	7. Chapter 7

Caroline.

I wish I could take it away. I really do.

But once again, Katherine is wreaking havoc in our lives, destroying everything she touches. A perverse Midas touch.

I hate her. I hate everything about her. She destroyed some innocent girl's life just to get back at me. Just to get even. I should have known it would come to this. I was so stupid.

I have to help her. I have to succeed with her to make up for failing with Vicki. I will try harder. I will not let her down.

The look in Caroline's eyes once she saw what she had done was heartbreaking. I felt her pain. The agony of knowing that you stole someone's life, took something that did not belong to you can be unbearable.

It makes you wish you were dead.

Seeing the tears pour from her eyes, seeing her frantic, covered in blood and lost to everything she knew was reminiscent of my own trials and tribulations. It brought back the moment when I realized what I had become. Standing in the middle of the woods, covered in a child's blood, I saw what a monster I was. And I changed. I vowed to never return to that.

Ever.

I will not let it get that far with Caroline. I will not let her become a monster. I can't.

I brought her into this fray.

I have to make sure she survives it.


	8. Chapter 8

Caroline.

It looks like Stefan's and my duet has now become a trio.

She should die. We all know that.

She's a liability. Her mere presence puts our lives at risk. We all saw what happened with Vicki. Caroline is just a blonde version of her.

A ticking time bomb.

And instead of doing the smart thing – disarming the threat – my oh-so-saintly brother has decided to take her under his wing, make her his pet project. He's going to save her from herself. Save her from being a real vampire.

Please.

He can barely hold his head above water and now he wants to teach her all the tricks of his trade. Yeah, because they have worked so well for him in the past.

It seems that my words mean nothing here. But they'll see. Just wait until she rips her mother's throat open or when she drains a fellow classmate, then they'll all see I was right.

We should have killed her when we had the chance.


	9. Chapter 9

Thanks to all of my reviewers and readers! Happy to hear that you're enjoying this. Sorry if I don't personally respond to your reviews, but I'm sure you all know how hectic life can be sometimes. Anyway, enjoy reading!

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Werewolves and Vampire Caroline.

Why is it that we can never have one moment of peace? Just one moment. That's all I ask.

I mean, it was bad enough when I thought that I would have to just protect Caroline from herself. Having to babysit a fledging vampire is no easy task. Add Caroline's normally spoiled and impulsive demeanor and it's a whole different situation. But I was fine. I was sure I could handle it.

Now this.

Werewolves. A mythical creature that turns out not to be so mythical.

Will this ever stop? Here I was thinking that with Katherine and Caroline, things couldn't get much worse.

I was sorely mistaken.

I should have left. If I had, none of this would have happened.

Probably.

Then Elena could have lived a normal life without all of these constant killings and frightening outcomes. I would have been miserable, but she would have had peace.

Sweet peace.


	10. Chapter 10

Werewolves.

Wonderful.

Let's add that to the growing list of complications that has suddenly become my life.

Spawn of Satan ex-girlfriend? Check.

Love triangle with brother and doppelganger of ex-girlfriend? Check.

Vampire-hunting werewolves? Double check.

What is it with this town? It's like you can't swing a dead cat around here without hitting some supernatural creature. I'm beginning to wonder about the combative turtles Stefan mentioned.

Looks like yet another thing I will have to handle.

Why don't I just leave? It would be so much easier if I packed up my belongings and said good-bye to all this fucking chaos.

But I won't. Why, you ask?

For the very same reason why I spent 145 years pining for a woman who didn't love me.

I'm a masochist.


	11. Chapter 11

Katherine.

I wish I could say I hated torturing her. That I hated hearing her screams of agony. The sizzle of skin. The smell of burning flesh.

I didn't.

It was something she had coming. It was 145 years overdue.

The stories she tells paint pretty pictures, but they gloss over the cruelty of it all.

The lying and deceit.

The betrayal.

The deaths.

We died for her, Damon and I. We died for something that didn't even matter in the end.

This love that she keeps rambling on about is such a load of bullshit. She's not in love with me. She never has been. I'm her toy, and when she was done with me, she threw me in her little toy chest and forgot I was there. Now all of a sudden, I'm supposed to believe that she yearned for me all these years?

Liar.

Lying dead piece of shit.

What bothers me the most about this whole thing is her faked death. Why did she do it? To fulfill what purpose?

And how will this affect us?


	12. Chapter 12

Okay.

So maybe I shouldn't have stabbed the werewolf. But it's me or him.

And frankly, I choose me.

Besides, what does it matter? He would have tried to kill us eventually. I just sped up the process. Strike while the iron is hot. That's my motto.

I don't care about all of that mumbo jumbo give peace a chance crap. It's fake. There is no way that the three of us could continue co-existing in this town. All of the shit he would of pulled while in wolf form would somehow have led back to us. The last thing I needed was for the council to be back in vampire mode.

Too bad about the silver though. I for sure thought it would work. But mistake made, lesson learned.

I guess the cat and mouse game has begun.


	13. Chapter 13

The fighting was hurtful.

Even though it wasn't real, even though the words were fake, it still hurt. At the end of the day, I would sit in my room and think about what it would really be like. If those words we used would be the exact words that break us. It's a chilling thought, but it comes up. It can't be helped.

I felt so weak. I felt like I was letting everyone down by not protecting, by not mending. I am the one who fixes things. But I am starting to realize that maybe I can't fix this. Maybe there is no way to piece this back together again.

But that last fight. It tore me. She expects so much from me. _I _expect so much from me. But I am finding it more and more difficult to deliver. That's why I need the blood. Animal blood isn't cutting it anymore. It's not doing a damn thing except keeping me alive. I need more than that now. I need to keep _her_ alive.

I already knew what her response would be. I could already smell the hate.

But the moment she punctured her hand…

All I smelled was love.


	14. Chapter 14

Liz is now in on the action.

The list of complications just grows and grows.

I couldn't kill her. She may have been willing to kill me, but I couldn't do that to her.

In this whole ugly mess of a life I've made, somewhere along the way I found a heart. It's not pretty and I'm not particularly proud of it, but it's there nonetheless.

But with a heart comes all of these pesky little things called emotions. Like sympathy or I don't know…wanting to help others.

I feel sorry for Caroline. Trust me, I know what it's like to be rejected by a parent. It's not the easiest thing to deal with.

Then there was Stefan. He and Elena play-fighting was cute but unbelievable. Like I would actually believe that the couple de jour would turn on each other so quickly. Please. I wasn't turned yesterday. The last fight was real though. I could sense it. Heightened emotions, heart racing, blood pumping. It made my mouth water.

And there I was helping to glue them back together. Giving her an olive branch to give him.

You see what I mean about hearts? One hurt look and I'm helping them mend.

I should have just walked away.


	15. Chapter 15

I can feel her eyes on me.

They're as soft as a caress tracing the outline of my face. I resist the urge to open my eyes, afraid to disrupt this daytime magic. Besides, I don't need to see her with my eyes. Her image is already burned into my head.

Her eyes.

Her mouth.

Her smile.

I lie here and pretend we are a normal couple.

Both human. Both at peace.

Perhaps this is the first day of our married life. The giddiness of knowing we'll always be there – as husband and wife. We'd honeymoon on a tropical island or some European country. We'd come back to our house and start a normal life filled with normal everyday things such as work. I'd go off to the hospital, making rounds and consulting with patients. She'd stay at home and write the next great American novel.

Then it would be cooking dinner and sharing the day's activities over a glass of wine.

And later…

A child.

The thrill of that pregnancy. Watching her belly swell and feeling the stir of tiny baby kicks.

A baby who is half mine. Who is half of me.

It's here that I need to stop. I can't fantasize further. It'll only break me.

We'll never have that. They're only dreams.

But there's one thing we can have. And that's today.

So I open my eyes and greet my heart.


	16. Chapter 16

I shouldn't have provoked Katherine.

But it seemed like such a good idea at the time.

And now…

When he first got the call about Jenna, I could already sense my mistake. Elena was hysterical on the other end. I could barely understand her. By the time she finally choked out the full story, my head was in my hands, and Stefan's face was etched in tension.

After he hung up, I could feel the guilt rising in my throat and the fear rising in his. Then I heard him whisper words I never would have dreamed he'd utter.

It's over.

The tone had no emotion. No inflection. It wasn't a question.

He knew what was coming.

I couldn't be a witness to this. Two brothers torn asunder by the woman they loved.

Not again.

So I left. Just like that.

I let him deal with his impending grief while I went to deal with mine.

Later, I heard their whole conversation. Every syllable. Every tear.

Once the door shut behind her, the house was awash in the sound of Stefan crying.

And for the first time in a long time…

I regretted hurting my brother.


	17. Chapter 17

It changed nothing for her.

Absolutely nothing.

I know she loves me. I know it. And I know that she just wants to make sure. She wants to wake up with the sun shining in her window and know that there is no supernatural being plotting her murder or that of her family's.

It makes sense. I understand.

But there's this doubt growing. This voice in my head – faint but gaining volume – that is making me doubt her. It's putting ideas into my head, telling me things that I know in my heart aren't true.

But still. The suspicion grows.

She doesn't love you, the voice says. She's only pulling out the family card so as to break your heart without placing any blame on herself. She's keeping you hoping because if there's still hope then you won't turn on her. You won't hate her. You won't abandon her and refuse to help her when she needs it. She doesn't want you anymore. She wants someone else.

Matt.

Damon.

Anyone else but you.

You can see it in her eyes, can't you?

None of these things are true. I know they're not.

But…I wonder…


	18. Chapter 18

So we are finally going to kill the bitch.

I have been waiting decades – scratch that – months to do this.

So I didn't always want her dead. Big deal. The important thing is that I want her dead now. That's what we need to focus on.

I'm kind of excited. I mean, I'm not stupid enough to get careless or to think that this is going to go smoothly. We're talking about Katherine here. Nothing ever goes according to plan.

Ever.

But I'm still pumped. Two stake-wielding badass brothers-in-arms waiting to kill the woman who fucked them up. And she did a royal job, didn't she? One brother can barely look at a drop of blood without turning into Mr. Hyde, and the other is so emotionally-wrecked that the thought of letting someone in chills him to his dead bones.

But no more.

I don't think killing Katherine is going to solve all of our problems. I'm not a moron. But you have to admit, it's one hell of a start.

And once this good deed is done, everything will go back to normal. Elena will go back to Stefan, and I'll go back to my carefree, drunken, womanizing ways. But let's not think about that right now. I've got to get my head in the game.

It's showtime.


	19. Chapter 19

A huge thank you to all of my lovely readers and reviewers! I seriously hope you are all enjoying these little snippets of mine.

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Racing to save the love of my life from a vengeful vampire is not the great start to a road trip.

But I guess it's the only reason Damon and I would ever take a trip together.

I'm consumed with worry and bantering with him is the only way I can distract my mind from envisioning horrific scenarios where we don't make it in time. But Damon's not in the mood, and I don't blame him. I know he's just as worried about Elena as I am, and although I would love to despise him for it, I can't.

He loves her.

I know it. He knows I know it. Everyone knows it. Why he feels the need to continually hide it is what I don't know. Maybe it's an attempt to stay in control of an uncontrollable situation.

I wish he would just admit it so we could all move on, but he's stubborn. The more I share about my relationship with her, the further he retreats, avoiding being burned by a fire that for once he didn't start.

We are stuck in limbo until he figures out his next move, and something tells me it'll be momentous and that I'll be the last to know.

He sips donated blood through a straw as I stare out the window.

I know we are both thinking the same thing.

Please, God, don't let us be too late.


	20. Chapter 20

I watch her run into his arms.

After the thrill of the battle was done, I looked up and there she was. Safe and sound. A little worse for wear but alive.

And beautiful.

You can't begin to imagine how grateful I was. I could have gotten down on my knees and thanked a God I don't really believe in.

The happiness was overwhelming.

And fleeting.

My smile faded once I saw to whom she ran. In case you didn't guess, I wasn't me. It was my brother.

You know for one brief second there, I thought – maybe imagined- that she was looking at me. That she was grateful to see me. That she might love me.

But of course, that's not the way this world works. So there I was, watching a sweet reunion and thinking how much I hated Stefan. More than I probably should.

But things change. Feelings change.

If there's one thing you should know about me, it's that I hate talking about the past. The past is dead and so am I. So what's the fucking point, you know? Why unearth shit that made you miserable at the time it occurred and – chances are – still do?

And yet, Stefan continues to bring it up and even apologized for something that happened over a century ago. Now, forgiveness is not my strong suit, but then there it was.

Bam. Forgiveness.

It kills me to say this and if you ask me tomorrow I'll deny ever thinking it, but he is so much better than I am, it's sickening.

And that is why I don't deserve her. She deserves someone selfless, not someone who just realized after 145 years that he may actually have a heart.

So after telling her I loved her and then making her forget, I sat on her porch, looking at the sky and thinking about how I could have had her.

If only I had been a better man.


	21. Chapter 21

Caroline.

She annoys the hell out of me and makes me laugh at the same time.

She's like the little sister I never had. Or the friend that I did and then lost to Damon's vindictiveness.

Her story is compelling though. Letting Tyler know what she is puts us all at risk, and that scares me. We have enough to worry about without having to combat another werewolf. Plus if Damon finds out, she's a dead vampire. Even Elena won't be enough to stop him from staking her.

I understand why she did it. I can't blame her for wanting to help, for wanting to make someone feel as if they're not alone.

I did it for her.

But I know she's hiding something. I can practically see the wheels in her head turning, trying to figure out how else she can drag out this conversation. I have to admit that this girl is quick on her feet.

What is she hiding? What is Elena doing that I should be worried about?

Scenarios run around in my mind, each one more chilling than the last. The one that keeps battering at my brain, the one that makes my breath stop and my throat tighten deals with my brother.

What if she's with Damon? Is that what everyone is hiding?

I picture her running off with him. Having sex with him. Letting him turn her into a vampire.

I think I'm going to be sick.

Caroline keeps prattling on, and I'm losing patience.

Just get to the point! Tell me, should I rush to save Elena or should I get drunk and disappear?

Goddamn it.

I have to get out of here. I can't breathe.


	22. Chapter 22

I fucked someone else.

It seemed like a good idea at the time, and I really enjoyed doing it, but…there's this nagging feeling in the back of my mind. It's as though I have cheated on Elena, betrayed her with this act of lust.

It's ridiculous. You can't cheat on someone who doesn't belong to you. We have no commitment. We're not together. Hell, we're barely on speaking terms. And yet I feel guilty.

Even flipping that goddamn switch didn't do anything. Obviously, these feelings have burrowed far deeper than I originally thought. This is what happens when you let someone in. You start to lose your fucking mind.

I guess it makes sense, though. I mean, you have to be a little crazy in order to withstand living for eternity.

You know I probably did Elena a favor.

I'm moving on.

Leave it to me to see sleeping with Rose as an act of kindness towards Elena.


End file.
